Through a Mom & Dad's Eyes: Children Learn What They Live

Dear Blogosphere Friends,

This is a tough read. It was very hard to write.

Remember a rule in this Health and Wellness Journey is that getting pent-up emotions out is important, so please... bare with me today, as I bow my head to mourn the tragic loss of New Jersey's Little Baby Zara.

While commuting to Jersey City on Wednesday, February 18th, there was no option except to get sick to my stomach as I approached the Alfred E. Driscoll Bridge. The old Garden State Parkway toll booth offices in Sayreville were re-opened for business yesterday. The building was surrounded by at least 20 black detective cars with tinted windows and a large NJ State Police Mobile Crime Unit Lab; a blinking alert sign asking the public to call if we had any information was illuminated overhead. The grim task in front of the selfless heroes inside that facility was to plan out the strategy to locate the tiny lifeless body of a three month old baby who suffered murder-by-drowning in the Raritan River at the hands of her father.

Police say 21-year-old Shamsid-Din Abdur-Raheem, of Galloway, told them he threw his daughter, Zara Malani-lin Abdur, off that bridge on Tuesday after the attempted murder of the child's maternal grandmother whom police say he assaulted in East Orange during the alleged abduction. This brave grandmother was caring for her precious granddaughter. At the time of the abduction, the baby's mother was in a courtroom in Newark, NJ applying for a restraining order against Mr Abdur-Raheem.

Over the last 30 years, I've embraced the broken bodies and injured spirits of women and children who have survived the scourge of brutal domestic abuse and violence. I know - from personal experience - that it is beyond stressful and beyond all civilized experiences to have to watch people you love endure these kinds of horrific circumstances. The painful long-term consequences that often play-out all the days that these victims live is enough to numb your heart.

It takes remarkable courage and resolve to place yourself square-in-the-middle of such danger during any attempt to ensure the survival of those who cannot save themselves from abuse in these corridors of darkness. Like Baby Zara's grandmother, my own mother understood and lived this tenet and truth whenever God called on her to do so... My grandmother's generation - that generation of revered immigrants - succeeded at transferring the knowledge to all of us that when and "If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them" - which gives each child an unyielding strength, a confidence and a shot at happiness that has no bounds.

What could have inspired Shamsid-Din Abdur-Raheem to believe it was actually okay to murder his little girl in the Raritan River on Tuesday? Baby Zara's death is a haunting and sad reminder that I've actually been forced to watch the suffering of beautiful children being dangled from bridges for most of my adult life - not literally speaking of course, but figuratively. When adults in emotional high-drama, high-stake (or low-stake) situations fail to operate, act, or comport themselves in a manner that puts the best interest of their children at the forefront of their thinking, the children lose. In this case, Baby Zara died, but I'm honestly appalled every single time children are left dangling on some hazardess ledge to fend for themselves when a parent is within their reach.

For the record, these abhorent situations laced with rage and revenge don't do anything healthy for all the other people in the world who love their kids - everyone with a view experiences mountains of breathless sorrow that can literally eat their insides out. Do you really think Mr. Shamsid-Din Abdur-Raheem cared about what Baby Zara's grandmother and other relatives would experience for the rest of their lives after he killed her? Unfortunately - people who don't care about the harm they are doing to their own kids are not ever going to care about the damage they are doing to you.

The chances of kids being damaged by the scars inflicted by parental behavior during these dreadful situations go up exponentially when hatred, disdain and/or a lack of maturity rules each day. How come so many people "use their own children" for personal gain, to one-up this or that, or to get back at partners and/or other adults involved in these loops of madness that encompass everything from divorce, busted dreams, infidelities, death, financial failures, family court decisions, substance abuse, unemployment, abuse and beyond... The next chapter has to come, so why doesn't everyone just close the last chapter sooner if doing so means helping kids?

All kids see soooo much through the eyes of both parents, so why doesn't everyone wake up and grow up especially since we already know that Children Learn What They Live. For gosh sakes - Some children die; others resort to self-medicating solutions to block out the pain for the rest of their lives; the weakest ones give up on everyone and everything. If a "Child Lives With Hostility, He Learns To Fight," so isn't that reason enough to stop fighting ten years after some divorce?! Is it too hard to recognize that this chapter of your life isn't about you anymore? Have you forgotten that you're actually the adult responsible for the Health and Wellness of your children?!

My prayer for Baby Zara Malani-lin Abdur is that God arrived armed with love to catch her fall; and that she found comfort in His mighty arms as He swaddled her with His grace. This isn't hard for me to imagine because on earth I've witnessed glorious grandmothers execute this same great work in His name... over and over again.

And when their work was done, selfless aunts, uncles, and cousins would step up and do the same; leading each journey with magnificent efforts that humbled all. Collectively, so many people I love succeeded at giving awesome meaning to the term "Circle-of-Family." With this in mind, I pray for the circle of that family who could not save their little girl. But make no mistake, I have evey faith that God took Baby Zara to heaven and granted her peace before she hit the frigid waters. I knew it and I could feel it in my heart as I drove my car over the Driscoll Bridge on Wednesday.

Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. May we all learn "something" as we view our own lives - for just these few moments - through the beautiful prism and innocence of Baby Zara's big brown eyes. My God - she was just a little baby.

Love to all.


Best regards,
Everybody's Cousin Tish
Score: 16/51

Quote of the Day:

"If A Child Lives With Hatred, He Learns To Hate.
If A Child Lives With Hostility, He Learns To Fight.
For A Fact I Can Tell You, When This Happens - Most Grandmothers Mourn"
- With the help of author Dorothy Law Nolte